hold fast

I know this will seem like rambling, probably because it is.  But hey, it’s my blog right?  🙂

It’s after midnight and I’m working (still 🙂  Trying to finish up some things, listening to Ethan trying to get settled upstairs in his bunk.  Poor baby has had a fever for a couple days now.  I’m waiting for the hubs to come home.  He’s actually out with a friend tonight, probably the second time this whole year?

Not sure exactly where my heart is right now.  I wish I could say I was solid, that I knew without doubt that the Lord is good and sovereign and that I trusted completely in His plan, whatever it might be.  But that wouldn’t be completely true I guess.

A couple days ago we got some news.  Not surprising, but it still shook us.  The kind of news where you sigh and say, “Okay, I know God’s got this, but I’m not sure what we’re going to do.”

I’m fighting the urge to get up and make something happen, to “fix” it.  I’m reminded of a certain verse that was spoken over me a couple of years ago, when I was struggling with the thought of stopping photo sessions.  I remember pleading, “Just tell me what I’m supposed to do!”  The only answer that came was Matthew 6:33 – “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

I remember thinking, “What does that mean?  I mean, for me in this situation, what am I supposed to do?!”  But there was nothing more.  Seek first.  And so I wrestled with the Lord.  He patiently turning my heart, me learning to to surrender.

And now here I am again.  In the quiet of my living room with babes tucked into their beds, wondering about “all these things.”  Rent and gas and groceries, and Christmas.  Surely the Lord is aware.

There is a phrase that’s been coming up in my time with the Lord lately.  I’ve been reading in Deuteronomy.  After wandering in the dessert for 40 years, the Israelites are finally about to cross the Jordan river and enter into the promised land.  Deuteronomy 11:22 – 24 says, “If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow – to love the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways and to hold fast to him – then the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations larger and stronger than you.  Every place where you set your foot will be yours…”

Hold fast – to attach, cleave, fix, unite.

The Israelites had wandered and waited and trusted that one day this promise would be theirs.  And now they stood at the threshold.  I’m sure it was exciting!  But perhaps they were afraid.  Maybe it was easier to think of staying in the wilderness.  At least it was familiar, right?  And the promise land?  The generation before them had seen a glimpse of it already – yes the land was good, but there were giants and fortified cities and obstacles to overcome.  So what were they to do?  How would they accomplish the impossible?

Hold fast.  Love and obey the Lord, walk in His ways, and hold fast to Him.

The picture I get is of a young child holding on to a parent.   Perhaps he is frightened but his trust is in that which he clings to.  Nothing else matters, nothing more is needed, but to cleave.

So now, in the quiet, when I look across the river at what seems unfamiliar and scary and even impossible, I will do this, the only thing there is to do – I will hold fast to Him.

Lord, remind me of your faithfulness, your goodness and your grace.  Strengthen my heart.  Help us to run with you, and hold fast.